


Excuse of the Week

by oddegg



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-10
Updated: 2009-12-10
Packaged: 2017-10-04 08:25:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oddegg/pseuds/oddegg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Those pesky aliens... (so, so much crack...)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Excuse of the Week

John knows he’s slow about these things sometimes – can’t see what’s right in front of him – but, honestly, _Rodney_.

 

The physicist had been in the middle of a long rant about how their team always seemed to get only the boring or the dangerous missions when he’d trailed off and after staring into space blankly for a moment had turned to John and said indignantly

“You know what? I thing all the other gate team’s are just using ‘Aliens made us do it’ as an _excuse!_”

 

Well, duh!

Hadn’t Rodney ever seen the ‘reason’s why’ crib list pinned up in the locker room?

 

* * *

 

Chuck looked at the incoming gate team and rolled his eyes – they all looked rumpled and had that loose-limbed, ‘Aliens _totally _made us do it’ look. He picked up his clipboard and wandered over.

“Legitimate religious/political/socio-economic ritual or AMUDI?” he asked (they’d all taken to using the acronym within two weeks of arrival – it just saved time)

 

* * *

 

Of course, sometimes you were just too surprised to come up with a decent excuse. Like when you were sneaking out of your (male) chief scientist’s room at 3am to avoid being seen and you bump into your 2IC sneaking out of one of the (male) neighbour’s rooms.

John and Lorne both froze and looked at each other, then Lorne said politely, carefully not looking at which room John had come out of

“Don’t ask?”

 

John wasn’t sure, but he thought that the room Lornehad just come out of was Kavanagh’s. He shuddered and said in a very, _very _sincere tone

“_Please _don’t tell”

 

* * *

 

Lorne had gained a reputation regarding the forth member of his gate team.

 

The second and third members were, and had been from the beginning, Ramerez and Iverson; two marines who, despite the obvious cultural differences indicated by their surnames, no-one could tell apart. John sometimes thought about getting them t-shirts with ‘Thing 1’ and ‘Thing 2’ on them but that would give them an even creepier, twin like look with, given that they were _obviously _fucking, icky incest overtones so he decided against it.

 

The forth member was meant to be a permanent science team member but Lorne liked variety in his ‘AMUDI’ partners and preferred to ‘ensure that the science dept all have the opportunity to go off-world’ – in his words – or, ‘go through my bloody division like they were toilet paper and make me spend the morning comforting a crying, 6-ft hulk of a guy who was wailing about him ‘never calling’ afterwards’ in Rodney’s words.

 

John was enough of a guy to secretly see Lorne’s point, and whipped enough to say he was on Rodney’s side, but what could he do about it?

 

Then Lorne’s team went off-world with a member of the biology dept – a botanist in fact – and when the team had come back Lorne was scowling and the evil twins were sniggering because the guy had completely ignored a perfectly good alien-ritual-ceremony excuse to get into Lorne’s pants and had actually _preferred to study plants instead! _

 

John could recognise a gift horse when he saw one and made Lorne take the guy on as a permanent team member which had the brilliant result of stopping the flow of crying scientists, getting John back into Rodney’s good books (and thus off the couch and back in his bed) and wiping that constant smug look off Lorne’s face.

 

Hey – John never claimed not to be petty.

 

* * *

 

After a couple of missions Lorne seemed to quite like the scientist guy, and then after a few more it was obvious to everyone that he _really _liked the guy. As in ‘liked’. As in full on sighing, lingering looks, ‘please be my date to the next alien sex ritual’ crushing on him.

 

Everyone found it very amusing.

 

Except the botanist guy, whose name was Parrish. Because he didn’t realise what was happening.

 

The betting pool was getting quite large for when and what excuse would be used (John had a ten spot riding on ‘at least two more months and then only because Lorne gets turned into a plant because that’s the only way this guy’s going to notice him’) when Lorne’s team came back from PX23-M17.

 

John watched as they walked through the wormhole – Lorne walking bow-legged and very, _very _carefully, with a happy, dazed look on his face and the evil twins gazing with frank and slightly disbelieving admiration at Parrish, who looked flushed, embarrassed, rumpled and – yes – just fucked.

 

John muttered a ‘goddammit’, because Rodney had got the time right and was going to be more insufferable than usual and sidled up to ear-wig on the excuse as Chuck sauntered up with his clipboard.

 

Parrish looked at his team leader, who was still off in the happy land of ‘_ooh, yeeeah’, _at his team mates, who were still gazing at him in open-mouthed awe and stuttered out something about

“Erm, it – it may be possible that the, the pollen of the _Jurathus _bush on the planet has certain, ah, certain _aphrodisiac _properties that the Major and I were exposed to”

 

John couldn’t help it. He blurted out

“You mean that _sex pollen is **REAL**?!_”

 

Which, he supposed, as Chuck raised an eyebrow at him, wasn’t that clever a thing to do as he and Rodney had used that as an excuse yesterday.

 

But, come on! Sex pollen was about as credible as Caldwell’s ‘I had a Gou’ald in my head and that’s why I was found in a compromising position with Hermoid’ excuse.

 

And _no-body_ believed that one.


End file.
